Cost cutters

I hate how there's only a brief scene of that teenagers butt in the Trident Layers commercial. I mean that's what they're selling right? Teenage butt? Well that's just sick. But still, I will need a longer look at her bottom just to understand why someone would be so fixated on teenage butt.

Anyways, around my house we're totally broke and cigarettes are being rationed out to me 10 at a time. I'm always finding used kleenexes everywhere that I affectionately call "cunt wipes". That's when it occurred to me it's unbelievable that Americans are wasteful enough to use tampons only once and simply flush toilette paper after the first use.

In this economy, I just don't understand why people won't get behind my reusable butt wipe idea. Or how about rinsing tampons to be used twice? Every family could just run a line outside with wet butt wipes & tampons hanging to dry.

Well what if I told you there were some perverse types that would love the cost cutting measures I just described because it would provide a better world for them. You can imagine them prancing around the drying lines, noses held high, getting the whiffing of a life time. All they ever wanted was a good sniffin' and now they're in cunt whiff heaven.

Ok well there's no people like that. I just wanted see your reaction. Still though, we should start the whole cost cutting butt & cunt wipe thing, then leave unattended drying lines so we can just sit here and wait out the savings. I'll be outside.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Minneapolis

RPG

When I finally have a level 40 Wizard with all 4 elemental fairies, the chicks are gonna be on me like like eyes on a yoga butt. I'm talking about iPhone gaming which has managed to consume my life these last few weeks.

The thing is: when you don't have much of a life to begin with, you really don't forfeit much and when you've got nothing left to lose, old friends that won't talk to me anymore better step off before I cast some lightning bolts on an Orc nigger.

When your life ceases to include stories that involve boobs, handcuffs or slashed tires one thing's clear: you don't get out much...and your ex is still driving a car that should've been minus a few tires by now.

Life in the gaming world is just like real life with real problems like angry birds and faggot fruit ninjas. And us gamers are right there thinking about the real issues like "Would you blow your grandpa away if he came back as a zombie?"

Let me go ahead and tell you to shut up. So what if I'm not looking for work? I'm out there in the trenches every night studying to be a 5th level elf Mage. Then everyone will accept me. They better accept me.

Let me put it to you this way: I had to find out 2nd hand that this chicks boyfriend died of an overdose. You think that's funny? Pretending to be him and sending her letters from beyond the grave. Thats funny.

There's nothing funny about preserving the memory of loved ones though. I've been saying since I was 9 that we should be putting cameras in coffins with viewer screens on headstones. Everyone should be able to check up on grandma once in a while and nothing helps children deal with family loss more than looking at the rotting face of a loved one. It doesn't cause nightmares.


























































































--I'm truly sorry I slacked on writing this last blog, but as a token gesture, I'm putting up hella wicked shots from this week in downtown & at The Zoo. ••€

---love & kissies,
Ricky






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:The Minneapple

The power of absence

Here's an interesting tidbit: if you set a briefcase down in a public place and start walking away, pandemonium ensues. I found that out waiting for a bus outside a government building.

It's like: "Hey buddy, chill. I meant to leave it there." That's when it dawned on me. This was the key to adding excitement to everyones dull little lives. And if you think I have no right to assume everyone needs a moment of pure, object terror; think again. I'm perfectly equipped to make such judgments.

So what's wrong with setting a briefcase in a crowded plaza and running away as fast as you can? I fail to see the crime in that.

It's just like leaving a folded, blank piece of paper under your ex's windshield wiper. No harm done. So what if I followed it up with another blank note outside her work, the mall and finally; her driveway.

It's all the words I didn't write that had the most impact. Just like what I didn't put in that briefcase.

Yes, it's absence that says more than a thousand court dates or ankle bracelets ever could.




My photo of the week. Coming soon----video blogs!(?)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Minneapolis

SimCity - Just like real life

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let a bunch of imaginary people intimidate me from another world. No, I'm not crazy. Although I don't know what sane person plays SimCity for this long.

It started out with a few roads, residential areas and a power plant. Then it progressed into some stupid life lesson about making responsible decisions because our choices affect other people. Screw that.

I'm not afraid to burn all their little buildings to the ground. That's one thing high school taught me. I mean hypothetically.

Hypothetically, I wouldn't have felt the urge to set fire to my school if someone had just asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance. There's your stupid life lesson.

I heard a friend joke about listening to the committee in his head. It's not funny considering my little committee just threatened to fuck up my car if I didn't repeal the parking ticket ordinance.

I wasn't really scared though. It's just a game and my grip on reality is rock solid. Besides, I got even when my Sims were using too much water, I neglected to build a water treatment plant for a couple hours. That's like 40 game years.

Rising to be ruler and sole chancellor of this pint sized empire didn't happen over night. My prior attempt was a tragedy.

I kept getting in debt taking out building loans and couldn't afford to repay them. Just like real life, I was soon overwhelmed with monthly payments. So I found a button that orders an air strike by laser shooting flying saucer peoples; just like real life.

There's countless parallels here. Life lessons in responsibility. It's knowing when to make the right decision instead of the popular one. It's knowing when you've made a mistake and not being afraid to commit horrible crimes to cover up the evidence by reducing it to Kilobytes of deleted rubble.

I've really grown a lot in the past 5 days. (that's like a 175 game years) I'm really much more adjusted. Sure I haven't left the house all week but I'm making the kind of decisions that will keep pollution down and the demand for commercial zones up for many game years to come.

Below is a photo I took of this mean ladies front yard. If I wasn't such a wise and benevolent leader, I'd have half a mind to delete her house right off the map. Just like real life.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Edina

Google Earth: all the adventure, no contact with stupid foreigners

Exploring the world is something l've dreamed of doing. I've always wanted to journey to the landmarks of history and stand before Gods great creations. Thank goodness I found a way to do that from the computer without all that stupid work.

Just thinking about a bunch of weirdo foreigners babbling nonsense as I ask for directions gives me a total headache. Plus, I'm not about to budget my money and do a bunch of walking when I can see all that shit with the Google Earth application for iphone.

So lately I've been adventuring to the far reaches of the earth by 3 dimensional satellite photos. I've seen Niagra Falls, The Grand Canyon, the Swiss Alps; even the the sight of the World Trade Center in New York! All with a couple of swipes from my finger.

The best part is, you can hover over these places without all the trouble of taking in culture. Hell, I can get that from T.V.

You can journey for hours over the highest mountains or plunge into the deepest canyons while taking breaks to play Angry Birds and thank god. I'm so sick of trying to gain understanding of the worlds different people every time I order Asian Chicken for dinner. That moron should have given me extra meat or at least his first born daughter. I would have paid extra.

Why he included these eating sticks in the bag is beyond me. I'm an American, not some starving peasant. Besides, his culture sucks and I should know. I quick swiped through his whole country on Google so it's practically like I've lived in his homeland.

Usually to enjoy the beauty of another nationality, you need a bunch of patience to reach the common ground of understanding. Thanks to my cell phone, I'll never have to make the effort.






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Right over your head

My Lego War Crimes

G.I Joe should be a part of every boys childhood. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with the villain, Cobra. Those guys looked cool with their masks and sharp uniforms.

The thing was the actual G.I. Joe figures were completely gay in my eyes. Some sailor with a parrot on his shoulder or other non threatening looking soldiers. Screw that. I liked my army men wearing bitchen masks so they couldn't be identified later in imaginary war crimes trials.

Try as I might to keep my collection pure, Christmas or my birthday would come along and some clueless relative would infect my collection by giving me 'Joes'.

I made short work of them by immediately constructing a Lego concentration camp. This makeshift camp afforded me hours of entertainment, managing the camps day to day operations.

When my mom came home and found 3 G.I. Joes hanging from the banister in twine nooses, I went straight to therapy. How unfair. Here I was learning all these lessons about efficiency and logistics and she gets all creeped out.

Don't you get all freaked out either. I didn't have a mass grave for the toys or anything. Each of them had their own backyard grave no matter how many pieces they were in.



Now I play "Axis & Allies Miniatures" or in layman's terms: Army men for grown ups.
(My little Panzer tanks really wow the ladies.)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Uptown, Minneapolis

Mother Nature's a bitch

They don't call her "Mother Nature" because of all the testosterone in the atmosphere. They say that because she's a bitch. I mean that like you'd refer to a female dog of course. It has nothing to do with a welling resentment against that one girl I waited years to make out with only to have her ignore me at parties and accuse me of calling her and hanging up all the time. No, it has nothing to do with that.

What I'm getting at is nature, much like women, has her time of the month. But the world travels in bigger circles than we do. So her time of the month is probably every couple of centuries.

You may have noticed she's pissed; and sick of Asians. Either that or she's hungry and making some Japanese soup, I don't know.

I mean Japanese soup is really good but why has she been tearing it up with all the tornados lately? It used to seem like they only hit trailer parks but then one hit North Minneapolis so I have 2 theories:
1. Mother Nature doesn't like the uneducated
OR
2. They're just too stupid to see a tornado coming. Just kidding.

I would use Hurricane Katrina as an example but we all know that was a plot orchestrated by the white man just like the assassination of amazing prophets like: TuPac. Some say he'll rise again when the new Escalade comes out.

It's obvious Mother Nature needs her space because she seems intent on ridding the world of needless humans. She's using Tsunamis, volcanos and passive aggressive diseases like AIDS.

Today I realized I was siding with her when I bummed 3 cigarettes to a girl that looked about 12. If the Earth is trimming the fat starting with morons and minorities, then I'm starting with bitches from Edina. This way they'll never grow up to not wanna make out with me.


Mother Natures menstrual cramps----^

Are you still reading? That was the end up there. As long as your lurking--I was thinking this blog needs more updates! If in gonna get you hooked, I wanna keep up your habit!

I'll make you a deal: I'll post more often if you keep reading and help me get more readers. The entries might be short but so is your speedy little internet attention span.
Also---for the trailer trash and illiterate, I'll try and post my photography in every entry.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:The Milky Way