The power of absence

Here's an interesting tidbit: if you set a briefcase down in a public place and start walking away, pandemonium ensues. I found that out waiting for a bus outside a government building.

It's like: "Hey buddy, chill. I meant to leave it there." That's when it dawned on me. This was the key to adding excitement to everyones dull little lives. And if you think I have no right to assume everyone needs a moment of pure, object terror; think again. I'm perfectly equipped to make such judgments.

So what's wrong with setting a briefcase in a crowded plaza and running away as fast as you can? I fail to see the crime in that.

It's just like leaving a folded, blank piece of paper under your ex's windshield wiper. No harm done. So what if I followed it up with another blank note outside her work, the mall and finally; her driveway.

It's all the words I didn't write that had the most impact. Just like what I didn't put in that briefcase.

Yes, it's absence that says more than a thousand court dates or ankle bracelets ever could.




My photo of the week. Coming soon----video blogs!(?)

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Location:Minneapolis

SimCity - Just like real life

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let a bunch of imaginary people intimidate me from another world. No, I'm not crazy. Although I don't know what sane person plays SimCity for this long.

It started out with a few roads, residential areas and a power plant. Then it progressed into some stupid life lesson about making responsible decisions because our choices affect other people. Screw that.

I'm not afraid to burn all their little buildings to the ground. That's one thing high school taught me. I mean hypothetically.

Hypothetically, I wouldn't have felt the urge to set fire to my school if someone had just asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance. There's your stupid life lesson.

I heard a friend joke about listening to the committee in his head. It's not funny considering my little committee just threatened to fuck up my car if I didn't repeal the parking ticket ordinance.

I wasn't really scared though. It's just a game and my grip on reality is rock solid. Besides, I got even when my Sims were using too much water, I neglected to build a water treatment plant for a couple hours. That's like 40 game years.

Rising to be ruler and sole chancellor of this pint sized empire didn't happen over night. My prior attempt was a tragedy.

I kept getting in debt taking out building loans and couldn't afford to repay them. Just like real life, I was soon overwhelmed with monthly payments. So I found a button that orders an air strike by laser shooting flying saucer peoples; just like real life.

There's countless parallels here. Life lessons in responsibility. It's knowing when to make the right decision instead of the popular one. It's knowing when you've made a mistake and not being afraid to commit horrible crimes to cover up the evidence by reducing it to Kilobytes of deleted rubble.

I've really grown a lot in the past 5 days. (that's like a 175 game years) I'm really much more adjusted. Sure I haven't left the house all week but I'm making the kind of decisions that will keep pollution down and the demand for commercial zones up for many game years to come.

Below is a photo I took of this mean ladies front yard. If I wasn't such a wise and benevolent leader, I'd have half a mind to delete her house right off the map. Just like real life.



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Location:Edina

Google Earth: all the adventure, no contact with stupid foreigners

Exploring the world is something l've dreamed of doing. I've always wanted to journey to the landmarks of history and stand before Gods great creations. Thank goodness I found a way to do that from the computer without all that stupid work.

Just thinking about a bunch of weirdo foreigners babbling nonsense as I ask for directions gives me a total headache. Plus, I'm not about to budget my money and do a bunch of walking when I can see all that shit with the Google Earth application for iphone.

So lately I've been adventuring to the far reaches of the earth by 3 dimensional satellite photos. I've seen Niagra Falls, The Grand Canyon, the Swiss Alps; even the the sight of the World Trade Center in New York! All with a couple of swipes from my finger.

The best part is, you can hover over these places without all the trouble of taking in culture. Hell, I can get that from T.V.

You can journey for hours over the highest mountains or plunge into the deepest canyons while taking breaks to play Angry Birds and thank god. I'm so sick of trying to gain understanding of the worlds different people every time I order Asian Chicken for dinner. That moron should have given me extra meat or at least his first born daughter. I would have paid extra.

Why he included these eating sticks in the bag is beyond me. I'm an American, not some starving peasant. Besides, his culture sucks and I should know. I quick swiped through his whole country on Google so it's practically like I've lived in his homeland.

Usually to enjoy the beauty of another nationality, you need a bunch of patience to reach the common ground of understanding. Thanks to my cell phone, I'll never have to make the effort.






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Location:Right over your head

My Lego War Crimes

G.I Joe should be a part of every boys childhood. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with the villain, Cobra. Those guys looked cool with their masks and sharp uniforms.

The thing was the actual G.I. Joe figures were completely gay in my eyes. Some sailor with a parrot on his shoulder or other non threatening looking soldiers. Screw that. I liked my army men wearing bitchen masks so they couldn't be identified later in imaginary war crimes trials.

Try as I might to keep my collection pure, Christmas or my birthday would come along and some clueless relative would infect my collection by giving me 'Joes'.

I made short work of them by immediately constructing a Lego concentration camp. This makeshift camp afforded me hours of entertainment, managing the camps day to day operations.

When my mom came home and found 3 G.I. Joes hanging from the banister in twine nooses, I went straight to therapy. How unfair. Here I was learning all these lessons about efficiency and logistics and she gets all creeped out.

Don't you get all freaked out either. I didn't have a mass grave for the toys or anything. Each of them had their own backyard grave no matter how many pieces they were in.



Now I play "Axis & Allies Miniatures" or in layman's terms: Army men for grown ups.
(My little Panzer tanks really wow the ladies.)


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Location:Uptown, Minneapolis

Mother Nature's a bitch

They don't call her "Mother Nature" because of all the testosterone in the atmosphere. They say that because she's a bitch. I mean that like you'd refer to a female dog of course. It has nothing to do with a welling resentment against that one girl I waited years to make out with only to have her ignore me at parties and accuse me of calling her and hanging up all the time. No, it has nothing to do with that.

What I'm getting at is nature, much like women, has her time of the month. But the world travels in bigger circles than we do. So her time of the month is probably every couple of centuries.

You may have noticed she's pissed; and sick of Asians. Either that or she's hungry and making some Japanese soup, I don't know.

I mean Japanese soup is really good but why has she been tearing it up with all the tornados lately? It used to seem like they only hit trailer parks but then one hit North Minneapolis so I have 2 theories:
1. Mother Nature doesn't like the uneducated
OR
2. They're just too stupid to see a tornado coming. Just kidding.

I would use Hurricane Katrina as an example but we all know that was a plot orchestrated by the white man just like the assassination of amazing prophets like: TuPac. Some say he'll rise again when the new Escalade comes out.

It's obvious Mother Nature needs her space because she seems intent on ridding the world of needless humans. She's using Tsunamis, volcanos and passive aggressive diseases like AIDS.

Today I realized I was siding with her when I bummed 3 cigarettes to a girl that looked about 12. If the Earth is trimming the fat starting with morons and minorities, then I'm starting with bitches from Edina. This way they'll never grow up to not wanna make out with me.


Mother Natures menstrual cramps----^

Are you still reading? That was the end up there. As long as your lurking--I was thinking this blog needs more updates! If in gonna get you hooked, I wanna keep up your habit!

I'll make you a deal: I'll post more often if you keep reading and help me get more readers. The entries might be short but so is your speedy little internet attention span.
Also---for the trailer trash and illiterate, I'll try and post my photography in every entry.



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Location:The Milky Way

Uncle Ricky

Let me start out by saying: THE LAST thing I want is for this blog to become one of those "You know what really bugs me..." diatribes. The day I start making half clever observations about airplane food or the like is the day I devote my life to making casserole smoothies for coma ladies. I'm not doing that. I really have no desire to gently caress their brittle hair and dress them up so they can be actors in my "Comatose theater: The Force Fondle Opera."

I spent a few days with my sisters cute 1 year old son. That makes me "Uncle Ricky". Part of becoming an uncle is knowing that you don't have to try so hard to be creepy anymore. Almost anything you do can become unsettling. Just do it while talking in a slow, disturbing voice, all the while assuring everyone that "It's ok. I'm an uncle."

Like if you see an an empty baby stroller, go over and start gently stroking the wheels while letting your eyes roll back. When it's owner comes over and asks what the hell your doing, that's when you say: "It's ok, I'm an uncle." Maybe that could be a horror movie called "Man Strokers Uncleula".

What I really wanted to talk about here was how many sickos there are in the world. Don't just sit there and agree with me either. Your probably one of them. You think I'm mistaken? Let me ask you this: have you ever touched a pregnant woman's belly to feel the baby kick? Well there you go: Child molestation.

What's worse is your probably a googly eyed baby fondler and you need to be stopped. Next thing you know you'll be wrapping up small struggling pets in garbage bags to try simulating the experience.

On another note, I went camping this week in a forest where My Little Pony's unmarked grave is. Passed the waterfalls and many steps up a cliff there's a gorgeous perch where you can see how the world curves.

Standing there in a moment of reflection, I looked below and watched families play in the stream. I wondered if I could make the shot with a deer rifle.






picture from camping at the the falls


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Location:Minneapolis