Ever do any modeling?

This would not be the first time I've attempted to dazzle girls at a party with an iPhone4S & 2 credits of photography at a community college only to have the whole thing backfire.

I let them whore it up for the camera so I can swipe the screen, showing the magic of all my photo editing apps. Then once they see how pretty they look its suddenly like I'm the only adult at a little girls birthday party.

They say: "Oo I like this one", "Can you crop this one?" & "Keep taking more pictures! You'll want to get me in this light over here." Suddenly, my iPhone is surrounded by a mob of ravenous girls, desperate for free glamor shots or a pony; who can tell.

In that manic moment I can see so many parts of them. Insecurities, fears and dreams all here at the crest of womanhood. If I could show each one of them how beautiful they really are, then it should be worth spending the whole party giving all of them a photo. It should be worth my walk home alone that night.

Unfortunately the version of me that would do that died many years ago of a broken heart and possibly heroin. That poem writing, flower giving, desperate romantic died in the friend zone where all those emo little pubes end up.

Not to sound callous but I'm well past boyhood. A man doesn't needlessly plead for what he wants nor needlessly express his emotions. The real secret of manhood begins with "Dear Diary..."


..impressions from an uptown house party --v









- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Uptown

No Internet, no God

Yesterday I walked home at 3am through a ghost town. Street lights flashing, rain gently drizzling with lightning in the sky.

The woman took her keys back, my mother doesn't return my calls, I moved, broke into the heart of the city to an apartment with no amenities. No Internet. No god.

Next to the passing cabs, I asked god to be with me. I felt alone. So I got home, had a drink & climbed into bed next to my phone.

Morning came with the sounds of thunder. I looked on my laptop and there was an Internet signal. There was a God.

I put on Netflix. A light in a dark room.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Minneapolis, MN

Train Stations

I had this dream I was arriving at an international train station. This young Nigerian girl behind me was hungry and asking for this smoothie I had bought out of machine so I gave it to her. We walked off the train & continued to talk until I forgot where I was or what train I was supposed to be on. So I stood there on the platform, people moving all around me, completely lost.

I've been couch surfing for 2 weeks now. I got into an argument last week with my roommate & she called the police who came & arrested me. The whole situation was messed up & I had had enough of being screamed at.

So without any of my medications, I laid in jail, curled in a ball for 3 days under a shoddy blanket. My cell mate made sure I was awake for roll call. I didn't eat, I didn't drink water for 3 days. Then I was released into 10 degree weather with no coat on & thankfully a friend came and got me. Thus began my nomadic state of being.

Last night I woke up at 9:14pm in a dark room in my boxers and a t shirt. I had no idea where I was. There's something about being homeless that puts me into a state of desperation & misery. I feel like I have no rock to lean on. Dreams go bad. I'm confused & stressed when I wake up & can't remember where I am.

I spend whole days at different coffee places or wherever I can find wifi. I wait all day until I can go home with whatever friend is nice enough to take me in that night. My favorite coffee house closed down so I spend hours on busses traveling the twin cities.

Today I got a new job. I didn't apply for it, I didn't look for it. It's with a prestigious company my father is consulting & the CEO has known my family since we lived out in California.

At this job I have to: never smoke (ever) even though I'm a chain smoker who smokes easily a pack a day of strong, all natural tobacco. I have to get my teeth fixed & replaced. I have to make it to work on a long bus line from a variety of long distance couches. I have to come off Suboxone which I've taken for well over 2 years & has helped me kick and stay clean from heroin all this time.

All these things have me so stressed out. I feel lost, I feel enormous pressure, I feel afraid.

Here are some scenes of my adventures & the closing day of my favorite coffee place.




















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Film Review: double feature

"The Perks of being a Wallflower" was really good & I was fully prepared to hate that movie. I think I even had some smart remarks rehearsed.

"Paranormal Activity 4" on the other hand was so dreadful & so incredibly underwhelming, I built a minecraft log cabin during the film without missing any of the highly predictable plot. The plot in fact, was identical to the prior film and outside of giving you secret feelings for an underage girl that should never be shared or blogged, there was nothing interesting about it.

"The Perks of being a Wallflower" started out talking about how great "The Smiths" were which happens to be my favorite band. I was seething with cynicism because after all, I was into that band long before it was cool, long before you knew anything about them, you total poseur.

Anyways when a film starts out that way, I'm immediately stand off'ish. Who do they think they are trying to win me over so quickly? I'm a delicate flower that requires time and care. Not some indie slut easily woo'ed by Drew Barrymore directing a Roller Derby movie with a criminally cool cast & soundtrack.

In the end, the film had bullied me, drowned me in sorrow, broke my heart & mended it again completing the full circle that was my own adolescent experience. Add a bunch of good music and a beautiful girl at the end, it's a low down dirty trick that totally worked. I feel so taken advantage of.

Someone else without the biases of mental issues or a vinyl collection needs to go see this film and report back on how it actually was.




Here's that log cabin I built during Paranormal Activity 4.

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Milk mania. (A culture of fake conditions)

I think lactose intolerance is totally fake. I've never heard of one founding father that wussed out on a glass of milk so it seems to be a more modern condition caused by a society that has humans enclosed indoors all day becoming diabetic obesities.

My theory is some kid from a strict catholic household made it up so he wouldn't have to finish his milk before leaving the dinner table and the lie just snowballed from there.

This kid was so convincing that they took him to a renowned physician who was also fooled and concluded that the parents had to keep him away from a whole host of dairy products.

Then the child tells his schoolmates how to get out of drinking milk and suddenly all the local physicians are flooded with this supposed epidemic.

Little did the young boy know that he had just black balled himself from ice cream and other tasty deserts but it was too late. The punishment was severe for lying in his house and he was stuck with his story.

Meanwhile word of lactose intolerance (then called milk mania) spreads to medical journals and conferences. People start believing they really have this new condition. Much like depression, anxiety, diabetes and breast cancer, a bunch of people jump on the band wagon. So now a bunch of sad bastards, worry worts, candy eaters and chicks who never got felt up have a new "condition" that totally enables them.


*** I realize that I neglected my blog for the rest of the summer. So here's some pics of my Mage from Order and Chaos: a hot Elven Wizard exploring some new and far off lands. (She needs to be checked for breast cancer.)







And here's a pic from this years Renaissance Festival!



And my beloved Minneapolis at the end of an Indian summer.




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Buy my love: XXXIV

September 27th is that time of the year when we celebrate the day I came out of the womb all slimy and bloody. Eww. So back by popular demand is my twice annual "buy my love" birthday edition.

1. Let's start out with some small basic things that no one should be without. Like this iPad for instance. I'm not an extravagant person. That's why I've left it up to you on whether or not you want to include a custom cover.

(Seriously, if you get me this, you just bought my love for 5 years with an extended 2 year warranty. You needn't worry about my christmas gift or that person that's been bothering you at work. It's taken care of.)



2. Lets talk clothes. If your gift screams: "It's the thought that counts", chances are I'm throwing it out the window or using it as a washable ass wipe. Besides, why go through the trouble of trying to pick something out when EVERYTHING I've ever wanted is at Urban Outfitters this season.

(I only have 2 pairs of pants and I'm dangerously low on sweaters. Gift card. It's a no brainer people.)

3. Anyone that knows me knows I have an addictive personality. My current addiction is my iPhone and not only am I excited for the new one, I never have enough memory for both my music and apps. I've always wanted at least a 32GB phone or higher. This december marks my 2 years clean of heroin. Aren't you proud of me? No your not unless you order me the new iPhone



4. Music. It's the gift that keeps on giving and an iTunes card is the gift for the financially impaired. Now you can win a place in my heart for a minimum donation. This gift assures that everyone regardless of culture or social class can be a part of this, proving I'm not some greedy, manipulative person just trolling for gifts.

So there you have it. A modest and heartfelt edition of "buy my love". Just what my adoring public wants. Now please give me what I want. Besides, how can you put a price on unconditional love? Well I just did.

Send gifts via snail mail to the below address and email gifts to:
Autum_empires@yahoo.com

Be sure to check out Artiface for all your graphic design needs.

Location:2915 Red Hill Avenue # C107, Costa Mesa, CA 92626

What a girl wants, what a girl needs

Finally an excuse to blog again. I just read this Facebook post this girl put up saying that she wanted a guy just like in those 80's movies. You know, like John Cusak holding up that boom box in "Say Anything" or what's his face with the cake at the end of
"16 Candles".

So I had to shed some light on this farce and the stark contrast between what girls want and what they think they want. The truth is: those guys never win. Girls ignore them, break their hearts and walk all over them and that's what makes these movies so awesome! These guys finally win!

If a girl didn't have a guy with a million things to bitch about they would probably implode. The only way around implosion for a girl is to have no guy at all and play the whole "I'll never find my one true love...feel sorry for me" card.

So here is what you've all been waiting for: the actual profile of what a girl wants. Drum roll please.

They want a half interested guy with a slight air of douchiness. A guy who so rarely expresses his emotions that when he does, they can claim it as a victory.

Lets talk about victories for a moment. "A victory for what?" you may ask. A victory for what men really are to women: Their little projects.

Now small victories include girls getting us to see chick flicks, apologize for nothing and pretend to be nice to their catty girlfriends despite the fact they're constantly trying to sabotage our relationship with all that "advice" they keep giving her.

Major victories include us taking tango lessons, wearing khakis and (after your married) actually asking her permission to buy something with the money you made at the job you work.

You see I was once a guy much like the men from those classic 80's movies: full of youthful romance and not afraid to show it. Girls either ate me alive or paid no attention at all. I didn't actually get girls until i was crushed by the weight of the world and became a sarcastic, disinterested chauvinist.

The truth is girls want a guy that has a selfish agenda and will feign interest in them just long enough to get what he wants.

And what DO we want? The whole "I've been a naughty schoolgirl" thing. I'm pretty sure every guy wants that except me of course. I just wanna go out dancing, shop for trendy purses and someday have a baby. If only I could find girls like that. Perhaps I'll never find my one true love.
---

I haven't really been taking any pictures so instead of disappointing you, I just quick snazzed up these boring and terrible photos I did of two bus stations.



From Southdale



To uptown

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Location:Happily unmarried