To kill with kindness

I'm wondering what people mean when they talk about "killing with kindness." Is kindness a lethal weapon? I'd sure like to know because there's only so much you can do arranging for certain friends to become "persons of interest" to local authorities.

When I think of killing with kindess, the only thing that comes to mind is handing out poison pie which is hilarious no matter how you slice it. And by the way, that last sentence with the "slice it" pun. Those are the kind of half clever puns I'm now going to use all the time just to be a bastard.

Back to what we were discussing regarding kindness as a weapon. I just can't get there. That's why I wanna discuss the weapon I've done the most damage with. Can you guess it? No, it's not a cigarette lighter or an extension cord. It's not a denim jacket or even a jar full of snot from when I had the flu. It's a telephone.

You'd be surprised how easy it is to impersonate a state trooper or even a personal banker. That being said, it's surprisingly easy to get someones social security number. Then the skies the limit.

Even if you just get the last 4 digits, there's a way to keep hitting their credit score over and over. The beauty of it is anyone with the same name gets their credit run too. So while your busy making it look like someone's in financial ruin, all over the country your randomly ruining other lives. Some people count sheep before bed and I can respect that but ruining lives is how I sleep at night.

I used to be a telemarketer. Just for fun, I started playing a game with a coworker where we tried to ruin someones day, then kept score. Posing as radio station DJ's, delivery men, bank mangers and 5 year old boys who wanted a sleepover, we were touching lives one call at a time. Touching in ways you end up telling psychiatrists.

We once convinced a multi- millionaire the IRS had seized his account. We had wives cancel their plans and wait all day for deliveries that never came. We once had someones house ransacked by local police. I even started ruining little kids friendships. No one was safe unless of course, you agreed to drive a couple hours and go bowling with a complete stranger.

"Hello? Can I speak with
Harold?" "No I'm sorry but he's passed on." --Now a normal person might think "oh how sad" and just move on but not me. Those magic words were music to my ears and a terrific way to at least get someone to openly weep. When your a miserable telemarketer, nothing helps the misery like spreading it around. I'm proud to say we were like a cancer on society. In whatever you do, important to have an impact.

Maybe your feeling sorry for these elderly people we preyed on like poachers. Well let me ask you this: Remember that old lady from my last blog? Ok well is it ok for her to be a total bitch just because she's old? Of course not.

I actually told her something like that and she called the cops on me. What I mean is: I expressed my views to her only in a louder than normal voice with some choice expletives and maybe a threat somewhere in there. I can't be expected to remember exactly what happened 8 hours ago but I am mature enough to say: "She started it."


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Location:Minneapolis