Film Review: double feature

"The Perks of being a Wallflower" was really good & I was fully prepared to hate that movie. I think I even had some smart remarks rehearsed.

"Paranormal Activity 4" on the other hand was so dreadful & so incredibly underwhelming, I built a minecraft log cabin during the film without missing any of the highly predictable plot. The plot in fact, was identical to the prior film and outside of giving you secret feelings for an underage girl that should never be shared or blogged, there was nothing interesting about it.

"The Perks of being a Wallflower" started out talking about how great "The Smiths" were which happens to be my favorite band. I was seething with cynicism because after all, I was into that band long before it was cool, long before you knew anything about them, you total poseur.

Anyways when a film starts out that way, I'm immediately stand off'ish. Who do they think they are trying to win me over so quickly? I'm a delicate flower that requires time and care. Not some indie slut easily woo'ed by Drew Barrymore directing a Roller Derby movie with a criminally cool cast & soundtrack.

In the end, the film had bullied me, drowned me in sorrow, broke my heart & mended it again completing the full circle that was my own adolescent experience. Add a bunch of good music and a beautiful girl at the end, it's a low down dirty trick that totally worked. I feel so taken advantage of.

Someone else without the biases of mental issues or a vinyl collection needs to go see this film and report back on how it actually was.




Here's that log cabin I built during Paranormal Activity 4.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Milk mania. (A culture of fake conditions)

I think lactose intolerance is totally fake. I've never heard of one founding father that wussed out on a glass of milk so it seems to be a more modern condition caused by a society that has humans enclosed indoors all day becoming diabetic obesities.

My theory is some kid from a strict catholic household made it up so he wouldn't have to finish his milk before leaving the dinner table and the lie just snowballed from there.

This kid was so convincing that they took him to a renowned physician who was also fooled and concluded that the parents had to keep him away from a whole host of dairy products.

Then the child tells his schoolmates how to get out of drinking milk and suddenly all the local physicians are flooded with this supposed epidemic.

Little did the young boy know that he had just black balled himself from ice cream and other tasty deserts but it was too late. The punishment was severe for lying in his house and he was stuck with his story.

Meanwhile word of lactose intolerance (then called milk mania) spreads to medical journals and conferences. People start believing they really have this new condition. Much like depression, anxiety, diabetes and breast cancer, a bunch of people jump on the band wagon. So now a bunch of sad bastards, worry worts, candy eaters and chicks who never got felt up have a new "condition" that totally enables them.


*** I realize that I neglected my blog for the rest of the summer. So here's some pics of my Mage from Order and Chaos: a hot Elven Wizard exploring some new and far off lands. (She needs to be checked for breast cancer.)







And here's a pic from this years Renaissance Festival!



And my beloved Minneapolis at the end of an Indian summer.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Buy my love: XXXIV

September 27th is that time of the year when we celebrate the day I came out of the womb all slimy and bloody. Eww. So back by popular demand is my twice annual "buy my love" birthday edition.

1. Let's start out with some small basic things that no one should be without. Like this iPad for instance. I'm not an extravagant person. That's why I've left it up to you on whether or not you want to include a custom cover.

(Seriously, if you get me this, you just bought my love for 5 years with an extended 2 year warranty. You needn't worry about my christmas gift or that person that's been bothering you at work. It's taken care of.)



2. Lets talk clothes. If your gift screams: "It's the thought that counts", chances are I'm throwing it out the window or using it as a washable ass wipe. Besides, why go through the trouble of trying to pick something out when EVERYTHING I've ever wanted is at Urban Outfitters this season.

(I only have 2 pairs of pants and I'm dangerously low on sweaters. Gift card. It's a no brainer people.)

3. Anyone that knows me knows I have an addictive personality. My current addiction is my iPhone and not only am I excited for the new one, I never have enough memory for both my music and apps. I've always wanted at least a 32GB phone or higher. This december marks my 2 years clean of heroin. Aren't you proud of me? No your not unless you order me the new iPhone



4. Music. It's the gift that keeps on giving and an iTunes card is the gift for the financially impaired. Now you can win a place in my heart for a minimum donation. This gift assures that everyone regardless of culture or social class can be a part of this, proving I'm not some greedy, manipulative person just trolling for gifts.

So there you have it. A modest and heartfelt edition of "buy my love". Just what my adoring public wants. Now please give me what I want. Besides, how can you put a price on unconditional love? Well I just did.

Send gifts via snail mail to the below address and email gifts to:
Autum_empires@yahoo.com

Be sure to check out Artiface for all your graphic design needs.

Location:2915 Red Hill Avenue # C107, Costa Mesa, CA 92626

What a girl wants, what a girl needs

Finally an excuse to blog again. I just read this Facebook post this girl put up saying that she wanted a guy just like in those 80's movies. You know, like John Cusak holding up that boom box in "Say Anything" or what's his face with the cake at the end of
"16 Candles".

So I had to shed some light on this farce and the stark contrast between what girls want and what they think they want. The truth is: those guys never win. Girls ignore them, break their hearts and walk all over them and that's what makes these movies so awesome! These guys finally win!

If a girl didn't have a guy with a million things to bitch about they would probably implode. The only way around implosion for a girl is to have no guy at all and play the whole "I'll never find my one true love...feel sorry for me" card.

So here is what you've all been waiting for: the actual profile of what a girl wants. Drum roll please.

They want a half interested guy with a slight air of douchiness. A guy who so rarely expresses his emotions that when he does, they can claim it as a victory.

Lets talk about victories for a moment. "A victory for what?" you may ask. A victory for what men really are to women: Their little projects.

Now small victories include girls getting us to see chick flicks, apologize for nothing and pretend to be nice to their catty girlfriends despite the fact they're constantly trying to sabotage our relationship with all that "advice" they keep giving her.

Major victories include us taking tango lessons, wearing khakis and (after your married) actually asking her permission to buy something with the money you made at the job you work.

You see I was once a guy much like the men from those classic 80's movies: full of youthful romance and not afraid to show it. Girls either ate me alive or paid no attention at all. I didn't actually get girls until i was crushed by the weight of the world and became a sarcastic, disinterested chauvinist.

The truth is girls want a guy that has a selfish agenda and will feign interest in them just long enough to get what he wants.

And what DO we want? The whole "I've been a naughty schoolgirl" thing. I'm pretty sure every guy wants that except me of course. I just wanna go out dancing, shop for trendy purses and someday have a baby. If only I could find girls like that. Perhaps I'll never find my one true love.
---

I haven't really been taking any pictures so instead of disappointing you, I just quick snazzed up these boring and terrible photos I did of two bus stations.



From Southdale



To uptown

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Happily unmarried

Internet trollers. We be thuggin'

People sure are brave over the Internet, aren't they? There's at least a few faceless profiles I'd just love 5 minutes with, alone and in person.

Just look on YouTube. It's incredible the amount of venomous comments you'll find on almost any video. So where does it all come from. Asia?

The internet, while providing a global intermediary for those to share their ideas and information has also become a vehicle to those anonymous beings that wish to spread their vulgarity. Here are the breeding grounds for 12 year old kids to talk like they have a pair.

While there's nothing wrong with a heated debate, a mass influx of mindless, malicious, pointless and even Chinese opinions have spread like a great horde of locusts to every forum and networking site known to man.

Let's break them down by categories: (because it's fun)

Profile ------- Example comment

The Hate Troller:
"Just like when I f***ed your mom you piece of sh**. I feel sorry for you! Rotfl!!!!!!!!"

**Notice how it said they felt sorry for them but clearly they wouldn't be rolling on the floor laughing if they did.

The Political Hothead:
"You socialists love to redefine every word possible. You're all immoral people. Please jump off a bridge."

**Notice how he said "please" when the comment isn't really polite at all. The very fact that he didn't use some Hitler analogy deserves merit.

The Genius:
"I have an IQ of 168 according to national standardized testing. 'Prometheus' was so much better than 'Aliens' it's not even funny. if you can't understand the plot, your probably too dumb to begin with."

**anyone who lists an IQ score as a preface is a retard and needs a crash helmet.

The Racist:
"You squinty eyed Chinese f***tards and your hacked game cheats!! Maybe now you can see why God cursed your race with perma widescreen vision."

**Ok, ok. So maybe I made that last one up.

So what can we do about all these angry trollers? The answer is as simple as they come: trace their IP addresses and alert a global task force that will in turn, alert a local ass beating team to break down the door to their poorly lit, messy bedrooms, smash their trilogy DVD sets and deliver an old fashioned ass whoopin'.

This kind of "thug life 'till I die" reality check would be sure to clean our forums massively.

---It's been real


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:The Internet

If you hate religion...

People need to get over their prejudices against Christianity. Seriously. I mean it's not like I sit there and trash on your religion. Unless your some violent Islam, conveniently neutral Buddhist or wife collecting Mormon.

So you had some bad experiences. Did it ever occur to you that was entirely the fault of the person not the religion? If they were following the Bible, chances are you wouldn't be all salty. Take me for instance. Nobody follows the goddamn ten commandments better than me.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. But I am saying if you want to discuss cliché topics like the hypocrisy of the church, your just another bigot passing sweeping generalizations. I've got news for you: that's my job. You can't be some liberal moron for tolerance and then persecute Christians. No offense. I on the other hand, am all about compassion and tolerance. Unless your stupid enough to believe a bunch of lies.

Here's some photos. I have no idea why I'm so crabby.  Sorry its been so long. I'll try to start blogging more.




The Wells Fargo Musuem




A bike ride passing lake Calhoun








Minneapolis Police Headquarters
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Minneapolis

Pocket Rats

So Carmen brought her friends nice little dog home a few weeks ago. In the world of single women, this little thing was the perfect augmentation: Cute, non threatening, needy and subservient.

I personally think chauvinistic men and rapists are reincarnated as these dogs, doomed to a life as animals broken of all instincts and entirely dependent to their women masters.

Carmen thought it would be nice to take him for one night as she's always gushing over purse sized little dogs unfit for the wild. So I knelt down to pet the little guy and he rolled over playfully, inviting me to rub his tummy. Right as I did he let out a screeching "YIPE".

"What did you do?!" Carmen asked. "Oh my god nothing!" I exclaimed looking over to see the dog fake limping away as if it's leg was broken. "How could you?" she yelled rushing over to smother the thing in affection. "I didn't do anything! That stupid thing is faking it!" But she didn't believe me.

Carmen left to do errands and the dog came up on the couch and laid in my lap until she got home. I was petting it gently as she was taking off her coat and purse in the bedroom when it suddenly YIPED again and bolted for her room. "Awe did he hurt you again?" she said cradling it in her arms like an infant. "I didn't do anything!" I was about ready to snap the neck of this little con artist.

The whole night it slept in her bed waking up every 15 minutes to bark like crazy because some leaves rustled outside or I opened a drawer in the kitchen. Each time Carmen awoke and comforted it back to sleep. See that's what these little dogs do. They bark like crazy at the slightest thing as if they run a tight ship but then hide under chairs when approached.

By 4am Carmen's comforting "that's ok" had turned into a more appropriate "God dammit dog!" By morning she was exhausted and sleep deprived. I came into the bedroom and picked up the little thing. "Let me show you something."

I began petting the dog. "YIPE" it screeched but I didn't let go. Holding it securely, I was petting now in a more soothing manner. "YIPE" it screeched again trying to jump for Carmen. "See?" I said. I gently put him down and he jumped up on the bed into Carmen's lap fake limping like his leg was broken.

"I can't stand this thing" Carmen said and drove it home.


--Here are some pictures I took working my sweet new job in downtown.










- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Minneapolis