Today I'd like to discuss a criminal that has walked among us all our lives. The odds are most of us have employed them without giving it a second thought. I'm talking about the American babysitter.
This profession of underage mercenaries has been operating underground for decades committing the same crimes of monsters like Al Capone: Tax Evasion. I'm not even going into the countless Popsicles, sodas and frozen pizzas they've been sneaking on the side.
You may think that employing these delinquents is saving your marriage. In fact, I bet they told you they were saving for college to sweep the whole matter under the rug but while your out to dinner with your spouse, they're making out with their boyfriends and helping themselves to your fridge.
They think they can just strut around what with their tight jeans and luscious flowing, long blonde hair while taking money from Uncle Sam and it will never come back to haunt them. Think again.
That one time Sarah came to babysit me and her boyfriend came over, I shot her in the head with a suction cup arrow before they both tied me up with duct tape. I was only trying to protect her from that adolescent creep.
When I put sardines on her pizza, how was I supposed to know she was allergic to them? Again I had no idea our pet rabbit would bite her and I didn't mean to laugh so hard while she was bleeding. I just wanted her attention.
These babysitters think they can spend countless nights having marshmallow fights and letting me watch MTV when I wasn't allowed, then just leave for college without even saying goodbye. The truth was: I cared for her deeply. Enough to cover for her about the broken wine glass, enough to beat the crap out of her with a plastic lightsaber.
Yes these babysitters think they can avoid accountability for the taxes they never paid and the love they never returned to a confused 7 year old. I think it's time we as a nation talked about it.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:Minneapolis
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